-You can’t say “canna” or “marigolds” too many times for this garden—and be sure and line the walk to the front door with inviting yuccas and mahonias. Don’t forget aucuba, celosia orcaladiums and be sure and top your row of nandinas after they have flowered in order to avoid those tacky berries this winter.
But why would anyone insult my wonderful yard flamingos? They must have meant flamingos left out for the winter,not my summer beauties near the birdbath with gazing ball.
-Along with the yellow Explorer, how could you leave out the obligatory Firebird or Camaro, with the fire decal on the hood,and three different size tires?
-how about 2 trailers (1 having been abandoned)… placed in a T-shape, OK? The abandoned trailer is tastefully surrounded by 6 ft. tall bloodweeds to give a tropical effect. There is also a 12 ft. crepe myrtle with a female rottweiler chained to it and a box for her PUPPIES! The 8 ft. gap
between the trailers draws the visitors eyes (and nose) to the 15 X 15 X 5 foot trash pile (supposedly carefully concealed behind trailer #1). Stay with me now….here comes the LANDSCAPING! Two (2) floribunda rose bushes, spaced 20 feet apart across the front of said property …..with a 3 ft. banana tree growing in an URN beside the driveway!! Last but certainly not least, a touch of”whimsy”.. the collapsed swing set and swimming pool. And can’t forget the skillfully crafted broken glass windchimes.
-I simply must add the single most important feature to the award-winning landscape. Fire ants! You must have them! They are most attractive when used with the tire crowns — with the mound strategically placed near the edge of the tire and gracefully spilling over the side. And it takes time to get a really good mound built up so those mounds that get cut back a bit when the grass is mowed aren’t really in a good location. If you are very good at this you might be like my neighbor and have several. One of the many attractive features of these unattended to mounds is the lovely “ornamental” grass that grows up through it. If you are fortunate enough to have one of those boxed forsythias, you’ll find that under this bush is another excellent location for your fire ant mound. Remember that these mounds are low growing and a great ground cover but you need to make sure that you put them in a setting which will enhance their natural beauty. Plant a wisteria too close to the 3 crepe myrtles that are in a row. Let the wisteria grow and grow being very careful not to prune or cut back. Once it has grown into a choke hold on the crepe myrtle, put a chain around the first crepe myrtle. To the chain you should tie any breed of droopy-eared hunting dog. Redbone hounds work well for this. The dog and his chain will make a large circle of bare ground which will be just the touch you need to show off your large fire ant mound that is nestled near the trunk of the third crepe myrtle. If you have an old fence behind this, allowing honeysuckle to completely take over will make a very attractive background that is sure to catch the eye. Water is an important consideration so make sure that you don’t disturb that gutter that is hanging loosely off the side of you house. This way your whole garden area is provided with a brisk run-off at each rain. Should this wash most of the top soil from the area then so much the better — it can enlarge that circle of bare earth your dog has been working on for you. … Adding cigarette butts to the edges of the driveway and walkway can dress things up a bit but you don’t need them for your fire ants to flourish.
In the corner of your yard you could add a nice pile of brush and limbs. This is also another great spot to grow some more ornamental grass.
-My favorite combination: overgrown golden eunonymous interplanted with elegeanus and underplanted with burgundy glow ajuga and set off by the nearby, and obligatory, marigolds surrounding red cannas w/purple leaves. Also, I must say that any automotive vehicle needs to be up on cinderblocks to be considered a permanent part of the landscape. If you can’t manage the fireants, at least have a container of some sort to hold stagnant water so that you will have a nice complement of mosquitos to enjoy of a summer evening…
I’m sure there was a book in this—or at least a sit-com. Or maybe I’m just immature enough to still get a kick out of this after all these years.