A breaking news report from The Allium, the leader in fake horticultural news.
(undated file photo)
(EUREKA, CA) Garden writer Amy Stewart shocked friends and neighbors by emerging from her home Tuesday morning with a shovel and rake in hand. Although ostensibly some sort of horticultural professional, Stewart has barely set foot in her garden since sometime last spring. "I'm pretty sure I used to come out here and do things," Stewart said, looking around her backyard in apparent confusion. "Do I just start digging, or what?"
Stewart wasn't the only one who seemed confused. A concerned neighbor called the police and reported an intruder in the yard. "She's always going on about plant theft in her garden column," the neighbor said. "When I saw a poorly-dressed woman ripping plants out of the yard, I assumed that's what was going on."
The poorly-dressed woman in question, who was later identified as Stewart herself, explained to the authorities that she was engaging in a practice known as weeding, in which unwanted plants are deliberately removed from the garden. "They've probably just never seen me do it before," she said as she wrote out a check for the police department's upcoming pancake breakfast fundraiser. The terrible clothing, she claimed, was a deliberate choice intended to prevent her from soiling the other equally unfashionable but not-yet-stained clothing that she normally wears.
Stewart spent the rest of the day transplanting perennials and clearing a path from the back door to the chicken coop. At the end of the day, she reported a high level of satisfaction with her choice of activity. "I just turned in my new book," she said, "and I wasn't really sure what to do with a free day. The sun was out for the first time in about a month, so I thought, well, why not give this gardening thing a try?"
Stewart has no immediate plans to return to the garden, but has vowed to give the neighbors advance notice in the event that she does. "We're a closely-knit community," she said. "It's important that we all watch out for this kind of suspicious behavior."