Municipal Weed Inspectors: Lawn and Order

by Guest Blogger Hanna Rhoades at This Garden is Illegal

These days, some people take lawn care WAY too seriously. As in the case of Lance Wamley, who this week, in a fit of lawn care rage, took a baseball bat to Eric Torres, an employee on his landscaping crew. All because Mr. Torres was apparently doing a really crappy job cutting the grass. Don't worry too much about Mr. Torres. He defended himself nobly with the help of a nearby weed whacker and managed to sustain only minor injury during the attack. Mr. Wamley is now charged with felony assault. Which is unfortunate, because I think that Mr. Wamley has a very promising future as the integral part of any municipal government known as a Weed Inspector. Maybe they could make it part of his work release program.

Yes sir, Weed Inspectors are yet another example of your hard earned money tax money doing exactly what many local governments tend to do with excess funds. Spend them on things you never knew you needed. Sure, you may think you need a new public playground and park, but city officials know what you really need is a Weed Inspector. This is not someone who makes sure that drugs are not infiltrating your neighborhood but rather someone who comes around and tells you that: a) your lawn has not been cut enough b) you have let noxious weeds invade your yard c) that wildflower that grows all over your state or province is not really a flower, it is a weed, so get rid of it or face the fines.

This is important work, you know. Everybody knows that it is important work. According to your local city or town council, high grass and weeds could invite wildlife and other ruffians into the neighborhood. If you ask them, they will tell you - cut your grass properly, and those deer will stay a mile away, or at least just graze on your neighbors unkempt yard. If you use chemicals to improve your lawn, the deer will not only stay away, but you may be able to score some venison when one drops dead on your property after attempting to graze. I'm sure with enough soaking and cooking, the meat would be edible.

Your city council will also tell you that proper lawn care is an important part of a neighborhood's property valuation. Nobody wants to see a house with too many flowers on their block. That anyone would want anything but foundation shrubs and lawn is a fallacy sent around by renegade garden clubs whose only intent is to increase their membership. Of course gardening clubs are going to tell you that your yard looks fine the way it is. That's how they draw you in. Your local government has only your property tax payments... I mean...best interest at heart.

And that whole vegetable growing thing? We do not live on a farm. This is suburbia, ladies and gentleman. We do not grow vegetables in plain view. That would be indecent. That is what grocery stores are for. Besides, how else will we be able to sustain that whole Free Trade thing if we don't import our fruits and vegetables from South & Central American countries? Your local city council understands that you may wish to dabble in agriculture much in the same way some people like to dress up in medieval clothing and attend Renaissance Festivals, but please, for the sake of the children, keep it in your backyard. Good people don't want to see naked tomatoes.

So you see, there is a need for Weed Inspectors and Lawn Laws. You just don't know what's best for you, is all. Your city council may not pay your mortgage or rent, but they do have a vested interest in making sure your house is as valuable as possible. They need the property tax money so they can pay the Weed Inspectors.

Comments

[Kathy]

I grew up in the suburbs, but more and more I am glad that I moved to the country.

[Colleen]

Ha, ha--love it, Hanna. Don't forget that those weed inspectors are also very often Compost Cops as well---I got a notice recently for having vegetable peelings in my backyard compost pile. Apparently, we are only allowed to put leaves and grass clippings in our compost. What a joke! Great post!

[Sandy]

Great rant!

[Whimspiration]

Beautiful Rant! Thanks Hanna, for clueing me into this great site!

[Amy Stewart]

You're scaring me,Hanna. I'm in Europe and if you keep posting news like this, I may well stay. (Not that I have any reason to believe they are less weed-phobic over here--I'm just looking for any excuse to stay on vacation for the rest of my life.)

We seriously need to start some kind of horticultural civil rights movement. Whose property is it, anyway? If you want to tell me what to plant in my front yard, you can damn well buy it from me and maintain it yourself. Harumph.

[Carol]

Wonder what the weed inspector might do about my Compost Bins? (That have weeds growing behind them by the fence... tall weeds, real weeds, not wildflowers... weeds!)

[C.C.]

Great rant! I feel almost smug in my garden in the rural hinterlands. So I have neighbors with braying/mooing/clucking/bleating livestock or their horse gets loose and gallops into my yard (a near heart stopper for a post-suburbanite). The weed inspector would have to weed whack his way through several neighbor's yards before he got close to my front door! Meanwhile I'll be hanging my wash on a line, slightly past the squash beds.

[Kathy Jentz]

Bravo! Now where can I apply for this job locally - kidding!