I Have Never Been So Frightened


Dscn2435 Spotted at the garden center this weekend:  Army soldiers as yard statuary!  These brave young men stand at a freakish 41 inches high–too large to be a miniature, but too small to be a grown man–about the size of a seven year-old, really.  They are ready to defend your freedom or fill in that troublesome spot where nothing Soldierseems to grow.  And they’re priced at an affordable three hundred bucks a pop.  (Flag not included.)

Just think:  you could stage your own troop withdrawals,   right there in the back yard.  Knit little socks for them at Christmastime.  Award them medals for their bravery.  In fact, what better way to support our troops than to turn them into adorable little lawn fetishes?  It’s your patriotic duty, people.  Besides, it’s about time those gnomes learned a little military discipline.

Coming soon: The Pentagon Five-Sided Birdfeeder and the Operation Enduring Freedom Lawn Sprinkler.


  1. Wow, man, far out! Just like the army fatigues shirt with the sergeant’s stripes I wore as a protest against the vietnam war in 8th grade I would love to have one of these guys in my garden to protect me from the rampaging deer that snort at my Bob-ex apps! He’d look great mingling with the hubcaps, bowling pin and deer antler garden ornaments I have in there now.
    I agree – these ARE weird and that’s part of what makes them a counterculturite’s perfect garden thing. The scary part is not the soldier statues, but rather the mind that thought them up as some kind of patriotic symbol…and missed.

  2. Just so ya know, only the ones in berets are Army soldiers. The two on the ends are Marines. I know this is an old post and as such nobody will probably read this, but still. I’m new to GardenRant, and I just love it, so right now I’m in the process of reading all back posts. Keep up the good work!

  3. Where can I get a Navy one? I want to put it at my recently deceased Grandfather’s grave. There’s a nursery around the corner from me that normally carries them at only $175 but they only have 2 Marine ones and I need a Sailor! 🙂 If you know of a website that carries Sailor statues e-mail me at [email protected]

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