Everyday Low Standards


Honey, if he wants to get married in the Lawn & Garden section of Wal-Mart, he’s not the man for you.

I know, I know.  You’re an adult now, and you’re free to marry whoever you want.  And you know that your father and I will support you no matter what you do.  But just trust me when I tell you that a walk down the aisle past the weed & feed and the plastic gnomes is just not a way to start a marriage.

Now, I’m not saying you have to get married in a church.  And I’m sure you’re thinking that this whole thing is a little hypocritical, coming from two people who got married in a field in front of their orange VW bus and conceived you in the back of that bus a few hours later.  But that’s just it, don’t you see?  We were free spirits, and we had a free-spirited wedding to match.

But listen.  A wedding at Wal-Mart just doesn’t set the tone for your life together.  You can’t cut corners in a marriage.  Building a life out of ever cheaper materials, for ever lower prices, and outsourcing all the hard work to somebody halfway around the world, just isn’t going to give the two of you a lasting future.  Remember, this is the retailer that wanted Snapper to build them a $99 lawn mower made of plastic parts and built in China.  Snapper refused.  That’s right, honey.  They said no to Wal-Mart, even when Wal-Mart said those words that no wife ever wants to hear from a husband:  "If you don’t do it, I’ll find somebody else who will."

Why did Snapper say no?  Because they build  lawn mowers that last a lifetime, and they build them right here at home.  They may cost a little more initially, but they’ll always be there for you.  If your Snapper mower won’t start, you just take it down to your local independent authorized Snapper service center and they’ll fix it right up for you.  Wal-Mart wants you to just throw out your cheap lawn mower and get a new one if it doesn’t start.  Trust me, honey, someday you will reach an age when you’ll understand how important it is to surround yourself with people who value the old, beat-up version and want to help keep it running, no matter what.

So please, think this over.  I know the free cake and decorations must be tempting, not to mention that chicken combo platter for the guests and the $1,000 gift certificate to "help the couple get a great start and live better after the wedding," but there’s more to life than everyday low prices. 

Don’t get married in a box.  That’s all I’m saying.


  1. This might be my favorite Garden Rant post ever. Not sure why, but it made me chuckle. And with the day I’m having, I need a chuckle!

  2. it’s a shame Walmart doesn’t have a wedding registry, though, right? i really would have liked to register for a plastic lawnmower with no balls.

  3. Interesting. I thought it was traditionally the bride’s role to choose the place to be married as well as where to hold the reception?

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