If you believe those plant associations, we all want hardy, reliable, carefree, grow ’em anywhere plants. But go to eBay, which is, after all, the nation’s garage sale, and you’d come away believing that we are a nation of outlaw plant freaks.
Take a look at all the plant auctions that have at least one bid on them, sorted by price, and you will learn that:
1. People will pay over $1000 for a "specimen pond cypress bonsai."
2. In fact, every plant priced at over $100 is a bonsai. Not that there’s anything wrong with bonsais, but–well, actually, there is. They’re like the bound feet of the plant world. Creepy. Leave that plant alone and let it grow.
3. From $50 to $100, it’s all pretty much orchids and cacti. Plants that attract fanatics.
4. Highest-priced single seed/bulb/root on eBay seems to be a voodoo lily–there are several auctions ending soon in the $75 range.
5. For $99, you can get a Windowsill Garden Year of Seeds Months of Bloom kit, which includes twelve little pots, twelve little packets of seed, and twelve "soil pellets." Our advice: Don’t.
6. In the "don’t show this one to Michele" category, we found an antique Victorian garden conservatory for only $23,500. I think it’s actually "antiqued"–as in, antique-y, not actually old. But very, very cool nonetheless. You could live in this thing, if you didn’t mind undressing in a glass house. (Hey, that’s what the fig leaves are for)
7. Or you could have a giant copper dinosaur in your garden for seven grand. Local pickup only. How you get a 17-foot T-rex home is your problem.
8. Need a 100-foot roll of plastic grass? Got three grand? No problem.
9. The most expensive garden books/publications on eBay? Also bonsais. What is it with you people?
10. If you love strange old Victorian mechanical creations, do not, repeat, do not, check out this auction of an 1890 Antique Portland Lawn Sprinkler. Imagine the fun you could have with this baby at your next garden party. Eliz, don’t tell me you’re not already figuring out how to get this thing to spray gin and tonics!