While some conspiracy theorists believe that shadow organizations such as the Illuminati or the New World Order or the American military-industrial complex are heck-bent on taking over our lives, ProfessorRoush has long suspected that marketing groups are the real shadow organizations that will bring about the downfall of civilization. After all, they’ve already convinced us to buy bottled tap water at prices exceeding that of our dwindling oil supplies.
As further evidence of my theory, I learned today that an Indiegogo campaign has formed to convince willing fools such as myself to part with money for the promise that a prairie garden can be created by haphazardly firing shotgun shells packed with flower seed into a field. Several hours ago, if you asked me what I thought “shotgun gardening” was, I’d have envisioned a haphazard assemblage of shrubs, flowers, grasses, and plants stuffed hither and yon into the landscape without a specific plan. I certainly wouldn’t have expected that it meant that I could step out on my back porch and, true to VP Joe Biden’s recent suggestion, “fire off a couple of rounds” and create a garden.
Indiegogo, for the unenlightened, is a site that lets anyone use its “powerful social media tools” to create campaigns for raising money (or, if you prefer, suckers to fleece). The Shotgun Garden Indiegogo campaign is run from www.flowershell.com, where you can purchase twelve-gauge shotgun shells loaded with twelve different kinds of seeds including peony, poppy, cornflower, daisy and sunflower seeds.
I have a plethora of experience strewing countless “meadows-in-a-can” around my environment without altering the forb/grass ratio of the native prairie to any appreciable degree, so I’m somewhat skeptical that a few shotgun shells full of flower seed will improve the outcome. And these are live shells, dangerous in their own right. What if I mistook Flowershells for rock salt while chasing off the pack of teenage boys who constantly circle my daughter? “You’re no daisy” might not work anymore as a nineteenth century throwback insult for those boys. I certainly can’t risk the chance of contributing to their delinquency if their backsides each sprouted a personal poppy field.
No, Indiegogo’s efforts are wasted on me because I’m certainly not going to waste my hard-won cash on Flowershells, despite how interesting and tempting they might seem to a bored gardener in winter. My gardening money is going to have to be wasted the old-fashioned way, attempting to grow meadows from a can.